areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
