billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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