There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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