I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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