i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
