my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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