this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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