His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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