why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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