they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
