The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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