I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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