You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm too high and old for this...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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