I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
