My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
