Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I am available for nakedness
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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