WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
