Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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