do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
