rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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