Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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