When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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