Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
did i just pee glitter
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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