Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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