Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
we made out on top of his cat.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
