OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
