i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
