How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
