it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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