I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
