Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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