turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
