That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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