found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
