porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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