to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
