this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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