don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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