I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
