Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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