I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
