I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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