sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
