ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
