the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When are your genitals available?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
