Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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