I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
