there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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