It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
