I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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