It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
