So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
